Monday, October 21, 2013

Yes, I'm Sure

This shit hurts.  The gas, bloating, sore incisions.  It hurts.  Trying to get comfortable to sleep, taking steps to the bathroom, putting clothes on.  It all hurts.  No this isn't the hurt of childbirth, but instead the exact opposite.  This is the pain from getting my tubes tied last week.  But, I would do it all over again because this hurt is accompanied by freedom.  Freedom to have sex with my husband without worrying about an "oops".  Freedom to know that in about 13 years I can set off on a trip around the world.  Freedom from the hormones that I swear were coloring my days black and continually adding inches to my waistline and challenging everything I know about skincare.  So, I'll take the hurt to get to the freedom.

What bothers me on this day is the amount of times I was asked if I was sure I wanted to go through with this.  I was first asked two years ago by my doctor, who then told me to wait.  As if I wasn't old enough or wise enough to know what made sense for me.  So I did wait, mostly for financial reasons.  And I began this journey earlier this year, when I had to get my Mirena out as I crossed the 5 year limit.  Clearly, I knew I didn't want another one (Mirena nor kid), so a more permanent form of birth control made sense.  I chose the Essure, but unfortunately my body didn't like my choice because I was one of the 1/3000 (or some minuscule percentage) of women whose body rejects the procedure.  The morning I heard my doctors voice on the other end of the phone line (they don't make calls themselves), I knew something was wrong.  So, I was given the option to continue on dreaded birth control or have a tubal ligation.  Why stop now, full steam ahead.  But through all of this, I was continually asked "Are you sure?"

So if you don't know, I have 2 kids, 10 and 5, a girl and a boy.  Seems perfect to me.  I always thought kids were perfect in pairs.  We have two hands, one to grab each. There are two parents, one for each child.  Most cars only comfortably seat 2 kids (except those dreaded minivans).  So two kids works for me.  At one point in my life, I wanted 4 and then I had the first one and I got smarter. (Side note:  To all the parents of more than 2 kids, I applaud you.  I don't know how you do it)  I know that I am way too selfish (and honest with myself) to even attempt to have more kids.  While I had the most perfect pregnancies, the actual mothering part is no walk in the park.  I enjoy being able to have the in-laws (they are the best) watch them for the weekend or being able to send them to my moms for a few weeks in the summer.  Or even to be able to leave my husband for a few hours to peruse Ulta.  It doesn't seem to be as easy to get rid of your kids when you have more than two.  And lets face it, these suckers are expensive.  From daycare costs to tae kwon do lessons, money just bleeds from our pockets.  Now, I adore my kids and marvel in the fact that I am raising two individuals to be competent and confident members of society.  So why am I questioned when I choose to shut down the factory?

If I chose to have 8 kids and live off the government, I would be berated.  But making an honest and carefully thought out decision to not have anymore, caused co-workers, friends, and the medical community to pause.  Really?  While I am happy that I was given the opportunity to be a mom, I am not a farmer and don't need farm hands.  Yes, I'm sure I only want 2 kids.  Yes, I'm sure I want to have the surgery.  Yes, I'm sure I want to be known as more than so and so's mom.  Yes, I'm sure I want to experience the freedom from not being concerned about getting pregnant.  Yes, I'm sure dammit.  Don't ask me again.

the lipgloss junkie